Parenting Goals and A Key Aspect – Quality Time.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to know the purpose of life. One answer I was given was that a person lives to have children, raise them, and give them a good living. That’s what people are born for; that is supposedly the purpose of life.

I found this “purpose of life” extremely hard to accept. I spent considerable time negating the statement trying to arrive at something more spiritual and grander, related to self-realisation and esoteric values. With the question always hanging in my mind, I’ve been going through several interesting learning experiences. It is still a journey; maybe there is no definite answer to the question – “the purpose of life” and the most relevant one is – “whatever purpose one gives oneself”.

When I ponder on the aspect of raising a family with respect to the purpose of life, while raising a family may not be just all there is to life (as I was told in my younger days), it does have a significant part. Life may not be about having a single purpose; every aspect of life could have a unique and wonderful aim. Nothing is set in stone, and that’s where free will comes in.

Going by this doctrine, professional life would be given a distinct purpose (that one is easiest – lots of money and promotions). It is easier to set goals for professional life given that the world, the management gurus and the whole ecosystem itself drive a person to progress (or be left out) and thereby set some purpose (short-term, long-term).

On the personal front, however, it is more left to oneself – and influenced highly by the enemy of success – laziness. Not everyone has a vision on how to shape one’s personal life – what kind of person to be, what kind of society to live in, what kind of influence to exert, how to help others, what hobby or interest or passion to pursue. I think it is paramount to set goals and most importantly, purposes for various aspects of personal life – in fact, professional goals ought to follow personal goals (though reality shapes life the other way around).

Parenting is a key aspect of one’s day-to-day personal life and needs profound thought and goals too. Over the last few decades, the purpose of parenting and the impact of parenting have undergone considerable change. As society has moved from a joint family structure to being nuclear and as low as one child only, parenting has moved on too.  It is no more about just whacking kids on their heads and ordering them around. Parenting now revolves around influencing children to be whatever the parents would like them to be – which needs setting and working towards parenting goals. Parental behaviour with their children was not a matter of concern or even the slightest consideration earlier but is pivotal in today’s scenario. Good or bad, today the situation is considerably different.

Being a parent in today’s scenarios is not limited to having children and then becoming busy earning money for their education and their career set up. Parenting goals could cover:

• Character shaping
• Personality building
• Social skills inculcation
• Financial provisions
• Career guidance

How a parent behaves with the child largely depends on the parental goals he or she sets, or in many cases – does not set at all. Does the parent plan to be an authoritarian who directs the child on a specific path, a mentor who guides the child, a friend who facilitates the child’s growth, a provider who ensures the availability of material requirements; or any other option – this goal reflects in the parent’s behaviour.

In nuclear families, the first learnings and the first sharing of children are mostly from and with the parents. With single-kid-families becoming more prevalent, even the availability of a sibling to share ideas and dreams has reduced. It is human nature to look for someone to talk to, to share with and be just oneself. Children look to at least one person with whom they can speak unabashedly. This person influences the mental makeup and the character build of the child for life. His or her reactions could carry home everlasting impressions.

A child needs this anchor but with a reduced inner circle, options are limited. When left into the stream of society (friends, neighbours, etc.) children are left floundering.

The emerging need nowadays is for the parent to be a friend to talk to – more so in the formative stages. A parent should be around for the child not just when life-changing magnanimous events occur. What is important is to be there for the kid when she wants to talk about what she saw in the school, what her friends are up to or what happened in the class. These are seemingly insignificant events for adults but very valuable for the child to share. Being there for those five to ten minutes to let the child express candidly without advising and making judgements enables significant mental growth. The availability of an anchor to lean upon is strengthened by these conversations.

Being a parent today is about being that anchor for a child to come and lean upon till he or she is strong enough to face the world and absorb the right influences. I see parents chasing career paths, financial goals, social fame or acceptance unmindful of the quality time they are giving to their kids. I see parents go around with friends even though the child wants just a little while to let them know what’s happening in their life.

Having a vision and then being a parent who is nonjudgemental, ready to accept, ready to support, not being a preacher and open to conversation is a primary uncompromisable duty of at least one of the parents. This aspect must be baked into parental goals to allow the flow of thought and understanding and thereby the ability to influence the child’s thoughts and direction.

As I said in the beginning raising kids is one purpose of life and doing this in a way that the children become positive contributors to society and progressive human beings themselves with minimal afflictions is a primary parental duty. And be reassured it’s a fulfilling duty and a wonderful journey to have a vision, be there for your children and watch them become people better than yourself.

OR ORA KURVIAM

‘Or Ora Kurviam’ says he

As he meets and greets everybody he sees.

A grin on his face,

A twinkle in his eyes,

A hearty laughter everlasting.

‘Or Ora Koiam’ is what we can hear

As we sit down to eat or just converse.

Joy springs from their young faces

Mirth arises from all three.

A story a day, makes his life a novel

A smile on his face, delights a watcher.

He stands as a glorious lantern

That cuts through our monotonous routine

And brings wonder and bliss to the world as he sees.

This poem was written by Naman (aged 12) and presented to Appa (aged 80) on his birthday on 24-July-2023.

Appa keeps the kids enthralled with stories made by himself. For those who don’t understand Tamil – “Or Ora” [can be read as “Oru Oru“] loosely means “Once upon a time”. Kurviam in the 1st stanza means sparrow and Koiam means rooster – these 2 being the most used characters in Appa’s stories.

Keeping Your Word to a Child

If I were to identify the MOST important part of being an adult and especially a parent – it is this – “Keeping Your Word to a Child.”

Adults are unfortunately prone to two unnecessary habits:

• Saying things which they don’t mean
• Saying things which are not true

I’m not talking here of some major earth-shaking lies but the small day-to-day lapses. A mother tells her daughter that she’ll get a chocolate but forgets. A father promises his son help on a project but gets busy with work. A neighbour promises a child help with learning to cycle but never come back about it. A relative offers a kid to bring a specific gift during the next visit but either forgets or doesn’t visit early enough.

These are not seemingly significant issues. Adults tend to brush the off saying – “it happens”, “I forgot”, “sorry” (the more concerned ones).

But this not how a child would look at it.

As I said, the earth doesn’t shake, neither does the sky fall down – but the child’s perception of the world is definitely shaped up. Children build their habits by observing these small events. It ends up in making them exactly like the current day adults – mindless, uncaring about words, careless with promises.

Step back, take a moment and reflect – is this how you’d like your children to be?

“How does it matter if we lie a bit”, “No one is perfect”, “We can all forget small things”, – such excuses can always be used as justifications.

It’s a matter of choice. When we expect the world to be good to us, it is but our responsibility to help build the goodness around us. Thereby the well-known saying – “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Start with kids – it’s the easiest actually, they don’t judge and they reciprocate much better the adults. Every small promise upheld will build a future of better men and women. Let us not demonstrate to the future of our world the imperfections of our past. Rather let us build a future of truth and trust.

Threatening Children

During my recent vacation, I was having breakfast at the common dining space with my family. We were enjoying and possibly indulging in the excellent food. The chef’s preparations were simply too good to remember anything about mindful eating. 🙁

At the next table was another family – husband, wife and 2 boys.

Digression:

It’s a bit of a change if you’ve observed that nowadays, when out of home, the man of the home does the task of fussing over the kids (earlier it was the women). You see fathers taking their daughters for a walk while the mother is busy texting or talking to her friends on the awesomeness of the vacation. How times change! 😊

Back:

So, this gentle minded and voiced father was tending to his brood of two very active boys and I heard him say, “Eat well, else I won’t take you to the waterfall.” That line triggered off this post.

Now, it was harmless threat and I’m sure it was not real either. But that’s my point – why do parents say things to their children which they don’t mean and which make no sense 🤔. I’m sure irrespective of what the kids ate, the family would still visit the waterfall.  I also feel the kids knew this. Do parents think that kids aren’t intelligent enough to see through such illogical statements?

A line stating “Eat well, else you wouldn’t have enough strength to trek to the waterfall,” might have gone better. I think kids should be given their due. If intelligent parents, expecting their children to grow intelligently saying meaningless things sets a pretty bad example.

The man I’m talking of, had all the love for his kids. I watched him over the day and saw him doing everything to make the vacation enjoyable for this family – not to mention paying for it all 🤑.

My point here is simply that when it comes to children, parents could be more effective in bringing discipline into the little ones by using more meaningful words. Empty threats only end up telling the kids that their parents don’t mean what they say.

To get a child to do something, it would be best to relate the action to something the child would miss if not done. For e.g., in the above-mentioned case, “Eat well else you would feel tired and not be able to enjoy the waterfall,” would tell the children what they would miss and give them the required meaningful incentive to eat well.

So:

• Kids aren’t dumb, trust them for their intelligence.
• Don’t threaten children to discipline them – let them know what they would miss.
• If a threat is required – make it meaningful and implementable

The Best Compliment I got from my Children

One day, my wife asked my children what they liked about various family members. I don’t remember all that was said but when it was my turn, the answer was a revelation. I hope I never ever forget it and live up to it all my life. It’s been my sutra for a good family life, for being a good parent and enjoying the role of being a parent. 

About me, they said, “Appa likes to do whatever we like to do.” 

That moment, I was gratified, elated and blown away. That line holds a lot of significance for me. What better can a parent do than behaving with children in a way that they get acceptance. That line was the ultimate testimonial of acceptance.  

In my opinion, parents (at least in today’s social environment) aren’t meant to be sitting on high pedestals as authoritarians. They aren’t meant to “make” the kids do something or “shape up” the children in a particular way. Kids are smart enough and too well exposed to make their decisions eventually. 

Parenthood today, is a lot about acceptance.  

Consider this, people tend to pay attention to those whom they relate to. People accept others with whom they share common interests or common ideas. We make friends while playing badminton at a club, with other readers at a library, with people who like the same kind of music, with others who use the same brand of car and so on. We inherently look for people with similar likes and accept them while also trying to gain acceptance with them. 

The same applies to children. One can deduce that the best way to gain acceptance with one’s children is to like what they do and do what they like (of course, not all the time and not what is completely unacceptable). 

Truly, it’s not so hard liking what kids do. In fact, it’s enjoyable. For example, children love blowing bubbles or playing games. I am yet to meet an adult who would say they don’t love to do these. It’s only the adult ego that comes in and prevents one from enjoying those activities which get exhilarating as a child. Once that ego is set aside, a parent can well enjoy time with their children, and gain acceptance. 

As kids grow, parents refuse to indulge in child-like pleasures thinking it will show them in poor light. Maybe others will find it amusing to see a parent dancing away with a teenaged son on some contemporary music. Society may find it off-beat to see a parent day-dreaming with her child and talking of fairies and princesses.  

But what really matters is that the child would enjoy this kind of company from a parent. The bond becomes stronger; an openness is established that holds the family close. Acceptance of each other is paramount and there could be no better way than to have common pleasures.  

The step starts with the parent – not the child.  

While all behavioural changes don’t come with guarantees and warranties, in the least, it is most enjoyable to drop the mask of adulthood and let loose the child within in the company one’s own kin. It’s most gratifying when one hears their child tell them, “I love you because you like doing all that I like to do.” 

HAPPY DIWALI AND HAPPY CHILDREN’S DAY!!!

Things Kids Don’t Know

Elders love to preach to kids – don’t we? We feel we know much more than those tiny beings and we tend to keep teaching the little ones how to live. It satisfies the adult ego to pour out volumes of advice to those spongy minds.

Its in our blood, I guess, that we should advice kids. Maybe its parental instinct. We see a kid doing something which we think is wrong and start off. Even if a kid did something right, we start of about how it could be done better. If the child isn’t doing anything, we start off about how he or she should be doing something. We tell active children to slow down and slow ones to speed up.

Elders just can’t let Kids be!

And one recent Sunday this paradox struck me. True, kids don’t know a lot of things. I compiled a brief list below:

• Sadness
• Hate
• Holding grudges
• Lying
• Worrying
• Unkindness
• Fear
• Depression
• Selfishness
• Anger

Isn’t it an interesting list?

An elder knows all these and somewhere in our advice, we pass on these accumulations to children. If we look at how we picked up these tendencies in our journey from childhood to adulthood, we will find some elders’ well-meant advice or “knowledge sharing” behind it.

Children have been made pure and simple, innocent, excited, loving, loveable. That is how Nature has designed the human race. Rather than living our lives on this basis, we tend to reverse the design of Nature and downgrade the beauty Nature instilled in us at our birth.

What an elder ought to do is:

• Reflect how one imbibes these undesirable qualities.
• Observe children who are unexposed to the aforesaid negative tendencies.
• Learn from them to live life in all happiness.

Kids are made this way to remind us of how happy it is to be free of vices.

We were made that way, is it too hard to go back to be that way?

The Quest for the Dragon Gem

Written by: Naman Teertha Subash (Aged 9)

It was a beautiful day. The sky was clear, the sun was bright, and the waters were calm. It was a perfect weather for sailing. I, Ron Williams was very excited. Oh! Sorry I forgot to introduce myself. I am the famous Ron Williams, treasure hunter.

Yes, where was I?

I was very excited. So excited even my fellow travellers could see. I was wearing my favourite clothes. I had just made a new discovery in Paris and had to report it to the New York headquarters. I was about to board The Magnificent. She was a beauty! She was a large luxury ship with comfort of no bounds. I boarded the ship and went into my cabin to leave my backpack. I went to the deck to enjoy the activities with my fellow passengers till evening. I had dinner and headed straight to my cabin and dozed off.

I was woken at about 1.27 am by noises. A cyclone had hit the ship. I ran as fast as I could trying to reach the deck. But I was too late. Everyone else had evacuated. I saw a tornado coming towards the ship. I went back to my room and slept waiting for my fate.

When I woke up and went out of the cabin, I found the ship was near land. The ship hit a reef and broke. I floated on a log of wood onto the land.

I looked at my maps and couldn’t figure out where I was. I concluded that I was on an undiscovered island. I thought I was dreaming so I pinched myself and Ouch! That meant I was alive. I looked around at my surroundings.

I saw many trees, some dryland, many dragons.

Wait! What? What did I just say? Dragons! Like the dragons I had seen on cartoon shows! I couldn’t believe it! I was actually on an island full of dragons. These weren’t like the Chinese depictions. I could see they were scaly. Some had wings, some had no legs and were slithering like snakes. I could even see some without tails. Some were huge and some were smaller but mostly definitely bigger than me.

I was spotted and some dragons started coming towards me. It took me just a second to realise that these dragons could eat me the very moment they caught me. 

I looked up at the sky. I saw another dragon flying towards me! I ran for my life.  And thankfully I made it into a dense forest. But then, other smaller dragons saw me and started chasing me. I ran and ran till I realised I was running in circles. Then, suddenly something pulled me into a cave.

It took me no time to realise that it was another human being. I said to myself, “I am saved.” I introduced myself. He said, “I am Brad James. I am also a treasure hunter. I’ve been on this island for ten years. I have pretty much the same story as you.”

I asked, “How did you survive for ten years?”

He said, “When I crashed onto this island and saw the dragons around, I hid for as long as I could. I moved around under cover to different places in the island. I finally found an inscription on a stone piece in a cave. It said that that the only way out of this island was to tame the dragons. It was an impossible task to attempt. I searched further in the cave and found another inscription that had a drawing of a Gem with the mark of a dragon on it and all dragons bowing to it. I figured that if I wanted to tame the dragons, I would have to find this sacred gem which I call the Dragon Gem.”

Brad went on to explain that there were more symbols on the cave’s walls. These showed that the Dragon Gem was created by the first and the strongest dragon ever, called the Ultimate Dragon. When it had become old, it created the Dragon Gem. It said that if any creature except the dragons found the gem, they would have control over the island and the dragons. When the Ultimate Dragon left, the whole island had shaken vigorously and from the ground had risen a gigantic statue of the Ultimate Dragon.

Brad had no idea where to find the Dragon Gem. He was also scared of the dragons around. After a few more months of roaming and hiding, he found another cave which was in a part of the island which the dragons avoided. There was a river nearby to drink water from. He used the fruits growing naturally and the river’s water to drink. He also learnt to grow crops and survived. Every now and then, he would venture to other parts of the island and had covered and mapped out a large part of it.

He had seen several types of dragons. Each had its own nature and powers.

Today, he had heard unusual sounds on this part of the island and came to see what was up when he found me and rescued me. He rested for the night in his cave.

The first thing I told Brad the next morning was, “Let’s work together to find the Dragon Gem.” His face lit up. We decided to start our quest immediately and I said we should visit the cave where he had found all the inscriptions.  I took my backpack and Brad collected all the tools he had made with the things he had found on the island into a back sack which he had made too.

He led me to the cave and showed me all the inscriptions and I agreed with his understanding of the inscriptions.

I suggested that we should look deeper into the cave. We looked around carefully, till we spotted some bones. Those were human bones! There were also marks of ancient civilisation! We dug a little and found a box which held a note which read:

“Dear reader, if you are reading this letter

you must be in the search for the Sacred Gem.

For the first clue go to a blanket which flows,

behind which shines the King of Birds,

which reveals the answers you seek.”

I was confused but Brad was thinking.

“Mmm…. Hmm….,” he murmured. Suddenly his face lit up and he snapped his fingers saying, “We need to go to a waterfall.”

We walked out of the cave excited and throwing caution to the winds.

Suddenly, there appeared a thin, scaly, snake like dragon in the sky above us. It had no wings but was still flying. It brought out from its mouth a tongue like a snake’s. It sent a huge gust of wind at us.

“Wind Dragon!” exclaimed Brad.

We had to crouch to save ourselves from being blown away. It caught us in its talons and took us to its nest, which was on a cliff. The nest was built of stones and rocks with high walls so the babies could not climb out. It put us in its nest as food for its babies and flew up. It started hovering at a distance.

The baby dragons were coiled up and resting. Seeing us, they uncoiled and advanced towards us to eat us. We both took a pickaxe from our packs. I fought the babies and drove them to one side of the nest. Meanwhile, Brad dug an opening in the nest. We squirmed out and started slowly hiking all the way down the cliff hiding behind the boulders to stay out of sight of the Wind Dragon.

At one spot, on our way, Brad spotted a waterfall. “This is the only waterfall I have ever seen,” declared Brad. “It must be the blanket which flows.” We moved to the waterfall.

“We must get behind it,” I said. We looked around the waterfall and found a little space between the flow of the water and the rocks behind it. We carefully stepped over the slippery rocks avoiding a fall and reached behind the waterfall.

In the dim light, we could see the outline of an eagle. “The King of Birds,” we both exclaimed together in low voices. We approached the outline and realised when we reached close enough that it was a statue and not alive. We boldly walked around the statue and touched all its parts.

 In the beak of the eagle we found the clue. It was a golden can with a lid. We came out to the open and retrieved a note from the can.

It read,

                         “In the crown of the island protected

by the shadows of the night there lies the clue you must find….”

“Shadow Dragons – those are the shadows of the night and the most terrible of the dragons,” whispered Brad.  

“Are you scared of them?”   

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I had an encounter with them once. Their attacks are sudden, swift and unpredictable. I barely managed to escape. The thought of them scares the life out of me! But though they could catch me, I felt they did not want to actually do so. They kept scaring me.”

I waited for him to speak more.

“Shadow Dragons scare their opponents in such a way that it weakens the opponent and strengthens the dragons. You may just die of fear.”

“So…… basically they feed on fear.”

“Right.”

I said, “If we don’t try to fight them, we may die on this island. At least let us try. It would be better than not trying at all.” 

“Hmm……… So what could the crown of the island be?” said Brad. We both chuckled and wondered for a while. We tried to remember what all we saw when we were on the nest.

Then I remembered I had seen a tall dome at a far distance.

I said, “We need to go to the dome! It was the tallest thing on the island. It must be the crown.”

Suddenly a dragon fell in front of us from the sky. It was pink, had small wings and stood on two feet. It got up clumsily and made some squealing noises.

“Eeee…Mwooo…Mwaahh….Ahhhh….” it was saying in a high-pitched sound.

It started walking away, turned back, walked away again, turned back again. It kept doing this while making the same sounds.

Brad said, “It’s a Diamond Dragon. I have seen it create diamonds out of dust. Its harmless. I think it wants us to follow it.” We went behind the dragon to a cave.

The cave was generally dark except for a faint glimmer. It led us to the glimmer. It was a pillar about as high as our waist with a diamond fixed on the top. We both touched the diamond. A few moments later, we could understand the dragon’s sounds.

“Hi,” said the dragon. “I have given you this power to help you fight the Shadow Dragons. They have been terrorizing the dragons near the dome. The Dragon Kingdom chose to give you this power ‘cos only a species other than the dragons can use the power.”

I asked, “What does this power let you do?”

“It lets you blast out a huge beam of light that will destroy the Shadow Dragons,” it said.

Brad asked, “Where is the crown of the island?”

“It is over there,” it said pointing to the dome we had seen.

We thanked the Diamond Dragon and started towards the dome feeling braver. We rested in another cave for the night and continued the next morning.

When we reached the dome, it was afternoon. The Shadow Dragons were sleeping. They were enormous in size and had dark scales.

As soon as we stepped into the dome, the Shadow Dragons woke up. We could see their gleaming blue eyes glowing in the dark. They made scary sounds. In the confusion and sudden attack, we forgot to use the power.

I took out my torch, switched it on and pointed the light towards them. The Shadow Dragons stayed away from the light. Then, Brad remembered the power given by the Diamond Dragon. He used it and all the Shadow Dragons melted away.

We saw a shining can fixed in the wall at the far end of the dome. We opened it to find a note. We read it in the torch light,

“In the mouth of the Ultimate,

Lies the Gem you seek.”

“In the mouth of Ultimate,” said Brad. “What could that mean?”

“What about the mouth of the Dragon Statue?” I said. 

“Maybe,” said Brad.

We thought for a while. The more we thought the more it seemed likely. We decided that we should go to the mouth of the Dragon Statue.

We walked until we reached the Dragon Statue.

I took out my hiking gear and gave the spare one to Brad. But just when we were about to start climbing, two huge dragons with heads, wings and legs lit up with fire appeared. They were on standing on four legs. These were Fire Dragons. They said, “To pass us, you must answer a riddle. You have three chances. Here is the riddle.”

“What goes up and down but never moves?”

We were puzzled.

Brad said, “A rocket?”

“Wrong,” said one of the dragons.

“Planes,” Brad said again.

“Wrong,” said the dragons.

“Stairs,” I said.

“Correct,” said the dragons. “You may go.”

We hiked to the head of the Dragon Statue which was a huge flat space.

There we saw two dragon tribes. Some of them had armours made of silver and a pink fire burnt on their heads. These were the Ancient Dragons. The other ones had armours of bronze. Their wings were bright and made of light. These were the Divine Dragons.

I asked them, “How do we enter the mouth of the Dragon Statue?”

One of the Divine Dragons said, “You must hook a grapple on to the head of the statue and jump in while holding on to a rope.”

I asked, “What challenges are in there?”

“That we cannot say,” said one of the Ancient Dragons. “All that we can say is trust each other and stay together.”

We hooked our grapples to the head of the Dragon Statue and jumped in. It was pitch dark inside. So, I turned on my torch and I saw that we were about to step on a patch of smouldering, black, hot lava. We jumped over it.

Then, we saw a huge acid pool which was too wide to jump over. But there was a broken bridge over it which we could use. The bridge barely had planks. Brad and I decided that we should go together just like the dragons said. So, we went on the bridge. We took a step, then jumped. Brad almost fell but I caught him.

Once we crossed the bridge, there were spiky thorns all over the floor. We took our grapples, hooked them to the walls to help us stick to the walls. We moved carefully trying not to touch the thorns.

Suddenly, I felt a poke on my shoulder and was about to fall when Brad caught me.

After we crossed the thorny stretch, we saw a small green light spark. It was the Dragon Gem. But it was still far away. I took a step and suddenly, a burst of fire from the ground almost burnt me. I told Brad that there were booby traps everywhere.

A series of lights started flashing on the floor.

Brad said, “Maybe we should step only where the light is on.”

He took a step on one of the moving lights. It became steady. He stepped on the next light. But the first light went away. He stepped on another moving light and it became steady. I followed his example and we cautiously stepped on the moving lights one by one till we reached the end and the Gem was very close.

We thought we had completed the quest and could take the Dragon Gem. But all of a sudden, another dragon appeared. It blew from its nose. Every time, I took a step forward, felt myself in a huge void and was pushed back to the same spot. I tried again and it was like walking at the same spot all the time. It had been created by the Void Dragon.

I had an idea. “Remember what the Ancient and Divine Dragons said? Stay together. That’s it!”

We stepped into the void holding our hands. The void was destroyed. The power of togetherness had done the trick.

The Void Dragon bowed down to us.

We moved forward basking in the light of the gem. I took the Gem and held it in my hands.

“O Wind Dragon! I call out to you. Take us back to the human world.” A Wind Dragon came to us and asked us to ride it.

We sat on its back and Fhwoooossshhhh….. The Wind Dragon took off. In no time, we were back in the human world. We landed right in front of my Headquarters at New York.

Everyone looked at us in awe.

I narrated my story briefly about The Magnificent being hit by a storm, being washed away to the island, finding Brad and returning. Some people cheered for us.

Suddenly, a man said that we were lying and told everyone that this was a robot.

I said, “Wind Dragon, show your mouth and roar.”

The tremendous roar and the dripping saliva on its teeth was a terrifying sight.

“Robots can’t salivate,” Brad declared.

The man agreed, believed us and apologized. I asked the Wind Dragon to return to the island and thanked it for its help.

And so, this is how my story ends. My adventure brought a new best friend into my life and we agreed to work together in our further quests.

Farewell my good lads!!!

THE END.

Encouraging Art as a Habit in Children

A lot of parents are in a rush, sometimes in a frenzy to get their children to learn many skills – apart from their education at school. I see children being sent to this class and that outside the school time – music, gym, swimming, abacus, art, shlokas, IQ improvement – and what not.

It’s good to have children learn more than that they do at school. Unlike earlier times, there is access to learning many skills. But what’s important, I feel, is the purpose behind it and the way it’s done.

For one, art is primarily a mode of self-expression. It’s unfortunate that media has projected art as a medium to compete rather than to express oneself. The shows on TV are luring both parents and kids to show off and overdo rather than just enjoy the art form.

Secondly, learning art ought not be a forced affair for children. What’s important is to kindle and nurture interest. One need not push for speedy learning or expect superlative performance in extra-curricular areas. It’s best to let children learn at their own pace. What’s important is to keep encouraging every effort and make it a specific point not to compare them with others.

The choice of the activity is equally important. Every child has a creative instinct and an inclination to a form or forms of artistic expression. It’s best to identify and encourage what comes naturally.

Now, that which I really want to talk about.

The best way to encourage learning is to help a child make the activity a habit.

Children don’t understand time (at least not till they are over ten, I think). Their minds LOVE staying in the moment and continuing to do what they are doing till they get bored of it or get distracted from the activity. They aren’t conscious of the passage of time. Of course, I am not implying that a military regime be imposed to make kids adhere to a schedule of activities. But gentle, patient reminders that it’s time to do something helps a lot. (Note, I’m saying a time TO DO something and NOT saying a time NOT to do something – there is a subtle difference).

Setting a time to do an activity, practice an art, pursue an interest – on a daily basis (or weekly if applicable), builds the habit over time. It is absolutely the parent’s effort to help the child develop a habit. Not out of force but by kindling interest.

And here is another well known, yet hardly practiced fact. Children learn by example.

A disciplined parent can get his or her child to get disciplined more easily than one who is not. If a parent plays games on his or her mobile, I can say for sure that their children aren’t going to stop playing either. On the other hand, if a parent practices discipline in say the hours of TV watched, he or she can get a child to switch off the TV when told to do so. A child would see someone who isn’t addicted to the TV and hence the develop the mental discipline to get away from it.

Back to the matter of habits and learning – what’s more important than having children attend classes is to inculcate the habit of practice. To make sure they spend some time every day practicing the art they are learning, spending time to express themselves and enjoying their learning can go a long way in building the child’s confidence. Every so often, a parent ought to check with the child if the interest is still alive and assert that he or she can discontinue when the interest dies. Encouragement, keeping interest alive, making learning non-competitive is a definite mantra to have a happy child.

Trust Children – They Know

I believe children know and understand much more than adults given them credit for. I put this theory to test recently.

In the apartment where I stay, there is a shortage of play space for the more active kids who like to run around and play physical sports. But kids being what they are, there is very little to do to stop them in spite of the space crunch. As a result, there is considerable noise and possible damage when they play around. I arranged a story telling session for the children recently which ended in a group discussion and brainstorming by the kids on how to solve the problem.

The children not only brought out all the problems but also covered solutions right from alternate arrangements for play area including fund raising for the same, precautions the residents could take for ensuring safety, restriction of play timings and the like. Some ideas generated by the children were actually original and had not even been proposed earlier by our apartment association members. The episode re-affirmed my faith that a child’s brain is fertile, receptive and can comprehend much beyond what an average adult generally feels.

While this is not a research paper, this incident shows that children need not necessarily be treated as inferior in mental capability or thought-maturity to adults. As I look around me and see several parents grappling with children’s problems, my method (which I can vouch works well at my home) has been to have a healthy open discussion with kids at home. When a conflict arises, it helps a lot to have a discussion, the onus being on the adult to have an open mind, listen, understand, relate to the child’s state of mind and also be willing to accept the child’s solution if is serves the purpose of resolving the conflict. This could be related to study hours, play time, lack of concentration, lack of interest – anything of general conflict.

Almost always, the adult or parent comes with a fixed mind-set on what should be the way out. This is not just in their dealing with children but with others around them too – at work, in the society, in the family. A little patience, the strength to put off one’s ego and openness to fresh and positive thoughts can go a long way to bring peace to one’s mind.

It’s easiest is to try practicing these with one’s own kids as compared to other people and the results would be immense.

Some time back, I was going through a dispute with someone and finding it difficult to talk and resolve. I remember my two-year old daughter telling me – “Appa, one day, wake up, have breakfast and go to their house and talk”. My own ego and thought-complications prevented me, but I realize she was right and that was the best thing to do then.

As I said, children know, they simplify, their innocence can be a great guide for adults to unravel the complex webs spun for themselves.

Parenting – The Children’s Way

 

This is one of my favourite topics. As I watch my two children grow, I introspect, discuss, experiment, observe, come to conclusions and introspect again. Parenting is an extremely exciting aspect of my life. I enjoy every moment I spend with my children. As I watch them and make my notes and change my findings, I’ve observed some patterns which seem to work well.

But before going in what works well, I’d like to share my thoughts on what is “well”.

The need for a paradigm shift in parenting methods in today’s times originates with the HUGE amount of information and extremely easy access available to information through digital methods. A parent does not have to be an information source to children as was earlier. Information is accessible to kids faster than to parents as they adapt to new technology easier.

Another change has been the opening out of multiple activities of involvement. Children have access to learning dance, singing, painting, musical instruments, chess, sports, martial arts, etc. at school and at extra classes. The practice of so called extra-curricular activities is encouraged much more than before. It has become normal for a child to pursue at least one or two activities of his or her interest apart from studies.

At the same time, the emphasis on studies and grades is growing. The pressure to perform and stand out in all aspects is increasing. A child is expected to do both – excel in studies and build a unique personality, and stand out in both. Expectations are high while the time available to put in effort and achieve is the same.

Added to this is the lure of competition and winning in several publicized talent shows – dance, quizzes, spell bees, and what not.

Under these circumstances, it is practically impossible for a parent to be the “role model” for the child. Parents can’t be sports gurus, dance gurus, study gurus, all put into one. Skill based role modelling is just not achievable.

What can be achieved in my opinion is being a “value role model”. What the child is going to need and will remember when he or she goes through the tough times of life are the values which his or her parents practiced and instilled.

What these values are change from parent to parent, family to family. It could be earning wealth, maintaining a healthy body, observing food discipline, religion, intelligence, fame, character and so on. It’s every parent’s choice to decide on the values he or she believes in and wants the child to pick up.

A parent must chalk out the values he or she would like the child to inculcate. Once the values are defined, some ways to let the child pick them up are listed below:

• Lead by example.
• If you have to teach (lecture) – don’t do it when the child has erred. Do it later when the incident is over when the child is receptive.
• Be the child you want your child to be.
• Give time to the child to learn, no learning happens overnight.
• Don’t drown out a child’s questions. Face them even if you can’t answer them.
• The world is wonderful for a child. He or she draws excitement in small things. Participate in the wonder of the world as the child experiences.
• While guiding, also learn from your child.
• Remember what you liked and disliked in your childhood.
• Let the child be itself.
• Be firm when required but know the difference between being firm and showing anger or frustration
• Let the child also get exposed to other people around who tell the child what they want – he or she must listen and absorb from the world in general – not just you.

I’m calling the combination of these methods “The Children’s Way” for two reasons:

• Most of these aspects are inherently present in children.
• These methods are oriented towards children’s learning rather than the parents’ comfort.

There is a whole lot to be said about each of these aspects and more. I will write out some more explanations as I find time. For now, I’d like to complete this post saying that parenting can be a most enjoyable, elevating and learning experience not to say rewarding if done with the right spirit and attitude.