Parenting Goals and A Key Aspect – Quality Time.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to know the purpose of life. One answer I was given was that a person lives to have children, raise them, and give them a good living. That’s what people are born for; that is supposedly the purpose of life.

I found this “purpose of life” extremely hard to accept. I spent considerable time negating the statement trying to arrive at something more spiritual and grander, related to self-realisation and esoteric values. With the question always hanging in my mind, I’ve been going through several interesting learning experiences. It is still a journey; maybe there is no definite answer to the question – “the purpose of life” and the most relevant one is – “whatever purpose one gives oneself”.

When I ponder on the aspect of raising a family with respect to the purpose of life, while raising a family may not be just all there is to life (as I was told in my younger days), it does have a significant part. Life may not be about having a single purpose; every aspect of life could have a unique and wonderful aim. Nothing is set in stone, and that’s where free will comes in.

Going by this doctrine, professional life would be given a distinct purpose (that one is easiest – lots of money and promotions). It is easier to set goals for professional life given that the world, the management gurus and the whole ecosystem itself drive a person to progress (or be left out) and thereby set some purpose (short-term, long-term).

On the personal front, however, it is more left to oneself – and influenced highly by the enemy of success – laziness. Not everyone has a vision on how to shape one’s personal life – what kind of person to be, what kind of society to live in, what kind of influence to exert, how to help others, what hobby or interest or passion to pursue. I think it is paramount to set goals and most importantly, purposes for various aspects of personal life – in fact, professional goals ought to follow personal goals (though reality shapes life the other way around).

Parenting is a key aspect of one’s day-to-day personal life and needs profound thought and goals too. Over the last few decades, the purpose of parenting and the impact of parenting have undergone considerable change. As society has moved from a joint family structure to being nuclear and as low as one child only, parenting has moved on too.  It is no more about just whacking kids on their heads and ordering them around. Parenting now revolves around influencing children to be whatever the parents would like them to be – which needs setting and working towards parenting goals. Parental behaviour with their children was not a matter of concern or even the slightest consideration earlier but is pivotal in today’s scenario. Good or bad, today the situation is considerably different.

Being a parent in today’s scenarios is not limited to having children and then becoming busy earning money for their education and their career set up. Parenting goals could cover:

• Character shaping
• Personality building
• Social skills inculcation
• Financial provisions
• Career guidance

How a parent behaves with the child largely depends on the parental goals he or she sets, or in many cases – does not set at all. Does the parent plan to be an authoritarian who directs the child on a specific path, a mentor who guides the child, a friend who facilitates the child’s growth, a provider who ensures the availability of material requirements; or any other option – this goal reflects in the parent’s behaviour.

In nuclear families, the first learnings and the first sharing of children are mostly from and with the parents. With single-kid-families becoming more prevalent, even the availability of a sibling to share ideas and dreams has reduced. It is human nature to look for someone to talk to, to share with and be just oneself. Children look to at least one person with whom they can speak unabashedly. This person influences the mental makeup and the character build of the child for life. His or her reactions could carry home everlasting impressions.

A child needs this anchor but with a reduced inner circle, options are limited. When left into the stream of society (friends, neighbours, etc.) children are left floundering.

The emerging need nowadays is for the parent to be a friend to talk to – more so in the formative stages. A parent should be around for the child not just when life-changing magnanimous events occur. What is important is to be there for the kid when she wants to talk about what she saw in the school, what her friends are up to or what happened in the class. These are seemingly insignificant events for adults but very valuable for the child to share. Being there for those five to ten minutes to let the child express candidly without advising and making judgements enables significant mental growth. The availability of an anchor to lean upon is strengthened by these conversations.

Being a parent today is about being that anchor for a child to come and lean upon till he or she is strong enough to face the world and absorb the right influences. I see parents chasing career paths, financial goals, social fame or acceptance unmindful of the quality time they are giving to their kids. I see parents go around with friends even though the child wants just a little while to let them know what’s happening in their life.

Having a vision and then being a parent who is nonjudgemental, ready to accept, ready to support, not being a preacher and open to conversation is a primary uncompromisable duty of at least one of the parents. This aspect must be baked into parental goals to allow the flow of thought and understanding and thereby the ability to influence the child’s thoughts and direction.

As I said in the beginning raising kids is one purpose of life and doing this in a way that the children become positive contributors to society and progressive human beings themselves with minimal afflictions is a primary parental duty. And be reassured it’s a fulfilling duty and a wonderful journey to have a vision, be there for your children and watch them become people better than yourself.

Keeping Your Word to a Child

If I were to identify the MOST important part of being an adult and especially a parent – it is this – “Keeping Your Word to a Child.”

Adults are unfortunately prone to two unnecessary habits:

• Saying things which they don’t mean
• Saying things which are not true

I’m not talking here of some major earth-shaking lies but the small day-to-day lapses. A mother tells her daughter that she’ll get a chocolate but forgets. A father promises his son help on a project but gets busy with work. A neighbour promises a child help with learning to cycle but never come back about it. A relative offers a kid to bring a specific gift during the next visit but either forgets or doesn’t visit early enough.

These are not seemingly significant issues. Adults tend to brush the off saying – “it happens”, “I forgot”, “sorry” (the more concerned ones).

But this not how a child would look at it.

As I said, the earth doesn’t shake, neither does the sky fall down – but the child’s perception of the world is definitely shaped up. Children build their habits by observing these small events. It ends up in making them exactly like the current day adults – mindless, uncaring about words, careless with promises.

Step back, take a moment and reflect – is this how you’d like your children to be?

“How does it matter if we lie a bit”, “No one is perfect”, “We can all forget small things”, – such excuses can always be used as justifications.

It’s a matter of choice. When we expect the world to be good to us, it is but our responsibility to help build the goodness around us. Thereby the well-known saying – “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Start with kids – it’s the easiest actually, they don’t judge and they reciprocate much better the adults. Every small promise upheld will build a future of better men and women. Let us not demonstrate to the future of our world the imperfections of our past. Rather let us build a future of truth and trust.

Threatening Children

During my recent vacation, I was having breakfast at the common dining space with my family. We were enjoying and possibly indulging in the excellent food. The chef’s preparations were simply too good to remember anything about mindful eating. 🙁

At the next table was another family – husband, wife and 2 boys.

Digression:

It’s a bit of a change if you’ve observed that nowadays, when out of home, the man of the home does the task of fussing over the kids (earlier it was the women). You see fathers taking their daughters for a walk while the mother is busy texting or talking to her friends on the awesomeness of the vacation. How times change! 😊

Back:

So, this gentle minded and voiced father was tending to his brood of two very active boys and I heard him say, “Eat well, else I won’t take you to the waterfall.” That line triggered off this post.

Now, it was harmless threat and I’m sure it was not real either. But that’s my point – why do parents say things to their children which they don’t mean and which make no sense 🤔. I’m sure irrespective of what the kids ate, the family would still visit the waterfall.  I also feel the kids knew this. Do parents think that kids aren’t intelligent enough to see through such illogical statements?

A line stating “Eat well, else you wouldn’t have enough strength to trek to the waterfall,” might have gone better. I think kids should be given their due. If intelligent parents, expecting their children to grow intelligently saying meaningless things sets a pretty bad example.

The man I’m talking of, had all the love for his kids. I watched him over the day and saw him doing everything to make the vacation enjoyable for this family – not to mention paying for it all 🤑.

My point here is simply that when it comes to children, parents could be more effective in bringing discipline into the little ones by using more meaningful words. Empty threats only end up telling the kids that their parents don’t mean what they say.

To get a child to do something, it would be best to relate the action to something the child would miss if not done. For e.g., in the above-mentioned case, “Eat well else you would feel tired and not be able to enjoy the waterfall,” would tell the children what they would miss and give them the required meaningful incentive to eat well.

So:

• Kids aren’t dumb, trust them for their intelligence.
• Don’t threaten children to discipline them – let them know what they would miss.
• If a threat is required – make it meaningful and implementable

Family Fun and Bonding

This was an exercise I really loved. As on many occasions, it was initiated by my ever-enthusiastic daughter – Stuti.

We were having dinner. Most likely my mother would have said something reflecting under confidence in herself. (Some people having this habit of under-rating their wonderful life – but that’s a different topic to write about).

Stuti doesn’t like people becoming negative and would not let this go by. I was sitting next to my mother. Stuti asked me to say something good about my mother.

One thing about my daughter – you can’t say “No” to her for 2 reasons:

1. She generally asks for the right things.
2. If you say no – she will gently, sweetly and persistently make sure you end up saying “Yes”.

It’s funny about family – while we may appreciate each other, we don’t express it. It’s generally taken for granted – the morning coffee, the timely food, clothes washed and stacked properly, whole days spent to get the month-end salary, the laughter – so many such day-to-day occurrences.

So, when Stuti persisted that I say something good about my mother, I thought (for maybe a minute) and I said a couple of lines about her balancing work and family when I was a child. It didn’t really change my mother’s perception (old impressions don’t fade quickly). So Stuti passed on the baton to my wife, Subhashree, who was sitting next to me. By the time she had finished, Stuti brought up the full scheme – everyone was to tell something good about everyone else.

We all fell in line and it was a great 15-20 minutes spent over the dining table. Six people telling each other what’s good about them. We didn’t get up even after we had finished eating as the round robin scheme was still continuing.

A lot of positivity was generated that night. It was an exercise which reinforced several beliefs and strengthened the familial bonds.

I would recommend every family to do this – maybe even on a regular basis and I do hope you see how much it makes a difference over time.

WFH and Vacations

This is about the ongoing school vacations. My wife and I possibly one of the few parents who haven’t felt the heat (not referring to the temperature here J) of dis-engaged kids pestering their parents during the dream period of the year for them.

While I may just be lucky to be blessed 🙏 with two children who are the least possible trouble, on introspection, there be a few things we have done right and in advance to be free of the stress of having to “manage” the kids during the vacation.

Some of our long-term measures include:

• Having my parents live with us.
• A separate, well facilitated, well-equipped, well-stocked kids’ room.
• A monthly budget for their books, toys and stationery.
• A happy open environment where we share everything with each other (my kids even know my earnings and savings J) and we know the worst dreams they have had, their career dreams, what kind of spouse they’d like (reaaally early planning eh? 😁).
• A decision that my wife would not aim for a corporate job after we re-settled at Bangalore (though she had some marvelous achievements in her previous professional avatar as a Business Head)

My daughter is a wonder when it comes to being busy. She always has something to do like:

• Art work with decorative stationery.
• Participating in my wife’s Yoga class.
• Making innovative dishes with “Choco-pie”, dry fruits, chocolate syrup.
• Singing and dancing.
• Drawing and painting.
• Reading.
• Writing a newspaper (it is called “The Times of C-303 Purvi Lotus”).
• Organizing family events (last Sunday she had the four adults in the family join her drawing class and taught us calligraphy 😁). These are called FFTEs – Family Fun Time Events and held by her for 30 to 40 minutes on weekends.

My son had trouble in the last vacation and used to frequently flop on a bed exclaiming – “BORED!”

It was then that I got thinking. I suggested to him that he ought to make a list of things he likes to do and paste it on the fridge. Whenever he got bored, he could see the list and pick an activity to do. It didn’t work at that time .

The issue wasn’t with the list but the way the list was proposed. This vacation, over the last 5 weeks, I haven’t heard him saying “BORED!” Thanks to my daughter who is great with plans and my wife who took the idea of the “Things-I-like-do-list” forward. She gave them a chart paper and my daughter sketched out a “Things-I-like-to-do-list” on half a chart paper and the rest was for my son. He joined (we have no choice when my daughter decides to get something done – she isn’t as lenient as her parents 😁 😁). Here is the chart they made.

With this background (I’ll keep the rest short), here are my strategies:

• Ask the children what they like to do – they would be generally full of ideas. They will come up with ideas, solutions, things to do. You just have to facilitate (like a library membership – Justbooks delivers to home, stationery, toys, books, plants, pets, etc.).
• Spend all possible time beyond work hours with them. During this time, play with the kids. Be a kid for a while. If they get some time with you, they ought to be able to manage the rest of their time themselves.
• They miss their friends, their play area, the outdoors – facilitate whatever is possible by way of toys, books, etc.
• Don’t insist on classes – my kids said they would prefer to be free of all obligations and will do some extra learning along with school.
• Take breaks during work (we do it at office anyway for over-coffee chats) and talk to them.
• Gently have them make their “Things-I-Like-To-Do” chart.

I’ll emphasize this – LISTEN TO THEM. Kids know what they’d like to do. To keep them engaged, a parent needs only to know their likes and gently remind them of what they enjoy.

Hope it helps!!! Enjoy your kids’ vacation!!!

The Best Compliment I got from my Children

One day, my wife asked my children what they liked about various family members. I don’t remember all that was said but when it was my turn, the answer was a revelation. I hope I never ever forget it and live up to it all my life. It’s been my sutra for a good family life, for being a good parent and enjoying the role of being a parent. 

About me, they said, “Appa likes to do whatever we like to do.” 

That moment, I was gratified, elated and blown away. That line holds a lot of significance for me. What better can a parent do than behaving with children in a way that they get acceptance. That line was the ultimate testimonial of acceptance.  

In my opinion, parents (at least in today’s social environment) aren’t meant to be sitting on high pedestals as authoritarians. They aren’t meant to “make” the kids do something or “shape up” the children in a particular way. Kids are smart enough and too well exposed to make their decisions eventually. 

Parenthood today, is a lot about acceptance.  

Consider this, people tend to pay attention to those whom they relate to. People accept others with whom they share common interests or common ideas. We make friends while playing badminton at a club, with other readers at a library, with people who like the same kind of music, with others who use the same brand of car and so on. We inherently look for people with similar likes and accept them while also trying to gain acceptance with them. 

The same applies to children. One can deduce that the best way to gain acceptance with one’s children is to like what they do and do what they like (of course, not all the time and not what is completely unacceptable). 

Truly, it’s not so hard liking what kids do. In fact, it’s enjoyable. For example, children love blowing bubbles or playing games. I am yet to meet an adult who would say they don’t love to do these. It’s only the adult ego that comes in and prevents one from enjoying those activities which get exhilarating as a child. Once that ego is set aside, a parent can well enjoy time with their children, and gain acceptance. 

As kids grow, parents refuse to indulge in child-like pleasures thinking it will show them in poor light. Maybe others will find it amusing to see a parent dancing away with a teenaged son on some contemporary music. Society may find it off-beat to see a parent day-dreaming with her child and talking of fairies and princesses.  

But what really matters is that the child would enjoy this kind of company from a parent. The bond becomes stronger; an openness is established that holds the family close. Acceptance of each other is paramount and there could be no better way than to have common pleasures.  

The step starts with the parent – not the child.  

While all behavioural changes don’t come with guarantees and warranties, in the least, it is most enjoyable to drop the mask of adulthood and let loose the child within in the company one’s own kin. It’s most gratifying when one hears their child tell them, “I love you because you like doing all that I like to do.” 

HAPPY DIWALI AND HAPPY CHILDREN’S DAY!!!

Things Kids Don’t Know

Elders love to preach to kids – don’t we? We feel we know much more than those tiny beings and we tend to keep teaching the little ones how to live. It satisfies the adult ego to pour out volumes of advice to those spongy minds.

Its in our blood, I guess, that we should advice kids. Maybe its parental instinct. We see a kid doing something which we think is wrong and start off. Even if a kid did something right, we start of about how it could be done better. If the child isn’t doing anything, we start off about how he or she should be doing something. We tell active children to slow down and slow ones to speed up.

Elders just can’t let Kids be!

And one recent Sunday this paradox struck me. True, kids don’t know a lot of things. I compiled a brief list below:

• Sadness
• Hate
• Holding grudges
• Lying
• Worrying
• Unkindness
• Fear
• Depression
• Selfishness
• Anger

Isn’t it an interesting list?

An elder knows all these and somewhere in our advice, we pass on these accumulations to children. If we look at how we picked up these tendencies in our journey from childhood to adulthood, we will find some elders’ well-meant advice or “knowledge sharing” behind it.

Children have been made pure and simple, innocent, excited, loving, loveable. That is how Nature has designed the human race. Rather than living our lives on this basis, we tend to reverse the design of Nature and downgrade the beauty Nature instilled in us at our birth.

What an elder ought to do is:

• Reflect how one imbibes these undesirable qualities.
• Observe children who are unexposed to the aforesaid negative tendencies.
• Learn from them to live life in all happiness.

Kids are made this way to remind us of how happy it is to be free of vices.

We were made that way, is it too hard to go back to be that way?

Encouraging Art as a Habit in Children

A lot of parents are in a rush, sometimes in a frenzy to get their children to learn many skills – apart from their education at school. I see children being sent to this class and that outside the school time – music, gym, swimming, abacus, art, shlokas, IQ improvement – and what not.

It’s good to have children learn more than that they do at school. Unlike earlier times, there is access to learning many skills. But what’s important, I feel, is the purpose behind it and the way it’s done.

For one, art is primarily a mode of self-expression. It’s unfortunate that media has projected art as a medium to compete rather than to express oneself. The shows on TV are luring both parents and kids to show off and overdo rather than just enjoy the art form.

Secondly, learning art ought not be a forced affair for children. What’s important is to kindle and nurture interest. One need not push for speedy learning or expect superlative performance in extra-curricular areas. It’s best to let children learn at their own pace. What’s important is to keep encouraging every effort and make it a specific point not to compare them with others.

The choice of the activity is equally important. Every child has a creative instinct and an inclination to a form or forms of artistic expression. It’s best to identify and encourage what comes naturally.

Now, that which I really want to talk about.

The best way to encourage learning is to help a child make the activity a habit.

Children don’t understand time (at least not till they are over ten, I think). Their minds LOVE staying in the moment and continuing to do what they are doing till they get bored of it or get distracted from the activity. They aren’t conscious of the passage of time. Of course, I am not implying that a military regime be imposed to make kids adhere to a schedule of activities. But gentle, patient reminders that it’s time to do something helps a lot. (Note, I’m saying a time TO DO something and NOT saying a time NOT to do something – there is a subtle difference).

Setting a time to do an activity, practice an art, pursue an interest – on a daily basis (or weekly if applicable), builds the habit over time. It is absolutely the parent’s effort to help the child develop a habit. Not out of force but by kindling interest.

And here is another well known, yet hardly practiced fact. Children learn by example.

A disciplined parent can get his or her child to get disciplined more easily than one who is not. If a parent plays games on his or her mobile, I can say for sure that their children aren’t going to stop playing either. On the other hand, if a parent practices discipline in say the hours of TV watched, he or she can get a child to switch off the TV when told to do so. A child would see someone who isn’t addicted to the TV and hence the develop the mental discipline to get away from it.

Back to the matter of habits and learning – what’s more important than having children attend classes is to inculcate the habit of practice. To make sure they spend some time every day practicing the art they are learning, spending time to express themselves and enjoying their learning can go a long way in building the child’s confidence. Every so often, a parent ought to check with the child if the interest is still alive and assert that he or she can discontinue when the interest dies. Encouragement, keeping interest alive, making learning non-competitive is a definite mantra to have a happy child.

Trust Children – They Know

I believe children know and understand much more than adults given them credit for. I put this theory to test recently.

In the apartment where I stay, there is a shortage of play space for the more active kids who like to run around and play physical sports. But kids being what they are, there is very little to do to stop them in spite of the space crunch. As a result, there is considerable noise and possible damage when they play around. I arranged a story telling session for the children recently which ended in a group discussion and brainstorming by the kids on how to solve the problem.

The children not only brought out all the problems but also covered solutions right from alternate arrangements for play area including fund raising for the same, precautions the residents could take for ensuring safety, restriction of play timings and the like. Some ideas generated by the children were actually original and had not even been proposed earlier by our apartment association members. The episode re-affirmed my faith that a child’s brain is fertile, receptive and can comprehend much beyond what an average adult generally feels.

While this is not a research paper, this incident shows that children need not necessarily be treated as inferior in mental capability or thought-maturity to adults. As I look around me and see several parents grappling with children’s problems, my method (which I can vouch works well at my home) has been to have a healthy open discussion with kids at home. When a conflict arises, it helps a lot to have a discussion, the onus being on the adult to have an open mind, listen, understand, relate to the child’s state of mind and also be willing to accept the child’s solution if is serves the purpose of resolving the conflict. This could be related to study hours, play time, lack of concentration, lack of interest – anything of general conflict.

Almost always, the adult or parent comes with a fixed mind-set on what should be the way out. This is not just in their dealing with children but with others around them too – at work, in the society, in the family. A little patience, the strength to put off one’s ego and openness to fresh and positive thoughts can go a long way to bring peace to one’s mind.

It’s easiest is to try practicing these with one’s own kids as compared to other people and the results would be immense.

Some time back, I was going through a dispute with someone and finding it difficult to talk and resolve. I remember my two-year old daughter telling me – “Appa, one day, wake up, have breakfast and go to their house and talk”. My own ego and thought-complications prevented me, but I realize she was right and that was the best thing to do then.

As I said, children know, they simplify, their innocence can be a great guide for adults to unravel the complex webs spun for themselves.

Parenting – The Children’s Way

 

This is one of my favourite topics. As I watch my two children grow, I introspect, discuss, experiment, observe, come to conclusions and introspect again. Parenting is an extremely exciting aspect of my life. I enjoy every moment I spend with my children. As I watch them and make my notes and change my findings, I’ve observed some patterns which seem to work well.

But before going in what works well, I’d like to share my thoughts on what is “well”.

The need for a paradigm shift in parenting methods in today’s times originates with the HUGE amount of information and extremely easy access available to information through digital methods. A parent does not have to be an information source to children as was earlier. Information is accessible to kids faster than to parents as they adapt to new technology easier.

Another change has been the opening out of multiple activities of involvement. Children have access to learning dance, singing, painting, musical instruments, chess, sports, martial arts, etc. at school and at extra classes. The practice of so called extra-curricular activities is encouraged much more than before. It has become normal for a child to pursue at least one or two activities of his or her interest apart from studies.

At the same time, the emphasis on studies and grades is growing. The pressure to perform and stand out in all aspects is increasing. A child is expected to do both – excel in studies and build a unique personality, and stand out in both. Expectations are high while the time available to put in effort and achieve is the same.

Added to this is the lure of competition and winning in several publicized talent shows – dance, quizzes, spell bees, and what not.

Under these circumstances, it is practically impossible for a parent to be the “role model” for the child. Parents can’t be sports gurus, dance gurus, study gurus, all put into one. Skill based role modelling is just not achievable.

What can be achieved in my opinion is being a “value role model”. What the child is going to need and will remember when he or she goes through the tough times of life are the values which his or her parents practiced and instilled.

What these values are change from parent to parent, family to family. It could be earning wealth, maintaining a healthy body, observing food discipline, religion, intelligence, fame, character and so on. It’s every parent’s choice to decide on the values he or she believes in and wants the child to pick up.

A parent must chalk out the values he or she would like the child to inculcate. Once the values are defined, some ways to let the child pick them up are listed below:

• Lead by example.
• If you have to teach (lecture) – don’t do it when the child has erred. Do it later when the incident is over when the child is receptive.
• Be the child you want your child to be.
• Give time to the child to learn, no learning happens overnight.
• Don’t drown out a child’s questions. Face them even if you can’t answer them.
• The world is wonderful for a child. He or she draws excitement in small things. Participate in the wonder of the world as the child experiences.
• While guiding, also learn from your child.
• Remember what you liked and disliked in your childhood.
• Let the child be itself.
• Be firm when required but know the difference between being firm and showing anger or frustration
• Let the child also get exposed to other people around who tell the child what they want – he or she must listen and absorb from the world in general – not just you.

I’m calling the combination of these methods “The Children’s Way” for two reasons:

• Most of these aspects are inherently present in children.
• These methods are oriented towards children’s learning rather than the parents’ comfort.

There is a whole lot to be said about each of these aspects and more. I will write out some more explanations as I find time. For now, I’d like to complete this post saying that parenting can be a most enjoyable, elevating and learning experience not to say rewarding if done with the right spirit and attitude.